Wednesday, March 17, 2004
i wrote her this on monday :
i give up. i throw in the towel. i quit. i cannot compete with your obsession with scotty. after seeing him on saturday you are still enamoured with him. i cant deal with it. not as a friend. not as someone who thinks he likes you. i cannot do this anymore. i need closure. it hurts me too much. he has the one thing from you that i want. "the spark". i need to move on. its like torture to me to have to listen to it over and over. it hurts me to say this but i cannot see you anymore. but i think its better then having to deal with your obsession with "the challange". i deserve better. ill return your rings. you will return my tupperware, then we will go in opposite directions. i really dont know how to deal with it. it hurts too much.
none of these are original. its just the way i feel now. i dont feel like writing when im sad.
"We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away..." -- Ben Harper
"One of the best lessons in life is also one of the worst - If you let people in, and show your love, you are bound to be hurt. With time and tears, your wound will heal and you'll move on. But you will never be completely whole again; a piece of your love, a piece of who you are, will always be missing. It was given away, then stomped on, and it can never be replaced. Sure, one day it may seem to be just a distant memory, but when it is recalled there will be an ache in that little hole in your heart, a bittersweet reminder of the past and the pain you once felt." --M. Elliott
"Dating isnt a scientific experiment... And neither is understanding girls. Both are just a waste of time."
Friday, March 12, 2004
Thursday, March 11, 2004
she had called me in the afternoon, and plans were made to have dinner. would we pick something up? would she cook? would i ? i decided to make dinner and take it over. she told me to come at 7:30 to give her time to clean up. i bought chicken, spinich salad, creme soda and girl scout cookies for dessert. i started cooking at 5 and was ready to go. i arrived near her apartment a few minutes before 7:30 but there was absolutely no parking to be found. after 15 minutes i lucked out and got one not too far away. she came down to let me in. i was taken back at her beauty. her apartment was immaculate. i was amazed at the work she put in to clean it up. we sat down, and had dinner on the coffee table. she really liked my cooking and i enjoyed her company. we watched sixteen candles on tv and talked for a while. then the tickling started. it progressed to wrestling.. and that led to....
i noticed it was about 1 am while we were talking. time still feels like it stands still when im with her. it was a good talk. very open. very honest. we talked about everything. how my friends would react. what she told her friends about me and our situation. etc. although it is progressing very fast, i feel like we are really good friends. there are no hang ups about holding things back. we talked for a while, cuddled, had several thumb wars, and just spent time together. my head was in her lap and her arm was around me and i felt very happy and content. i didnt want that feeling to end. i packed up my stuff and was ready to go when she gave me her rings to wear. not much needed to be said. i couple of hugs goodnite and a kiss and i was out of the building. my feet didnt touch the ground all the way to my car and i dont remember the ride home. i showered and put things away and after an hour i fell asleep. when i got up this morning, i looked at the 2 rings on my finger and remembered what a great evening that it was.. and my head has been in the clouds all day.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
i had a great time spending the day with you. ive said it before, but time does fly when we are together. just a week ago, i didnt know you at all, yet you have been the highlight of my entire week. i look forward to your emails, phonecalls and just hanging out with you. thats why its so hard for me to write what i really feel the need to say.
i find myself in a difficult situation. i know you see me as a friend. yet in these past few days i am developing feelings for you. as long as you have feelings for someone else, i cannot be around you. it isnt fair for you, for him or for myself. and although it makes me very unhappy, i will distance myself from you. you are an incredible person and i only wish that you could feel as i do towards you. but, realisitically, i know that it isnt possible. i will remember the fun and good times that we had together, but for the sake of our friendship, this is goodbye.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
it was a night like any other. went to dinner, saw a movie, met friends at a bar. we were hanging out, and it was getting late. i stumbled on the way to the car, and we decided that it would be better if she drove home. the trip through town to the freeway on ramp was uneventful. as we approached the freeway i remarked about how empty it was. then out of no where a car hit us as we got on.
a drunk driver in a chevy truck crashed into us on the drivers side. the little honda was no match for it. time slowed to a crawl. he had crushed the drivers side and pushed us through the guard rail, finally resting into a large grassy area near the freeway. it was only when the car stopped that i noticed the blood. there was blood everywhere. i didnt know what it was at first. then i heard her labored breathing. i asked her if she was ok and there was no answer. i held her head to comfort her.. tears welling in her eyes. she knew she was dying. i told her that i loved her, like many times before. this time was going to be the last time she heard it. she tried to talk but nothing came out. her body shuttered and arched and she died right next to me. i didnt want to believe it. our life together has ended before it got started. it seemed like an eternity before anyone showed up.
a nurse who just got off her shift was the first to stop. she came to the door to ask me if i was ok. i said no. i could hear sirens in the distance but it was too late. i was outside of the car when the firemen started cutting her out of it. i was talking to a police man when i saw them put her body on a gurney and cover it with a sheet. i wanted to see her but someone held me back. the other driver was taken to the hospital then was going to be arrested. there were no brake marks cause he didnt even see us. his blood alcohol level was .15.
it wasnt until the cop asked me how i was going to get home that it hit me. i started crying. really really crying, like i have never done before in my life. it didnt seem fair. that i left the scene unharmed. i called my father, who at first was alarmed that i was calling from a police station, then relieved that i was ok. i was sitting at a desk, when i heard another cop calling her mother to tell her what that had happened. i could hear her crying on the other end of the phone, even though i wasnt that close to it. my parents picked me up and they hugged me tight. this was the first time i have seen my father cry. i remember looking at the sun come up as we were driving home and wondering what time it was. i couldnt rest, but would fall asleep and wake up as soon as i realized that i was sleeping. maybe i was hoping that i was dreaming.
it was a sunday morning and people who had heard what happened came by all day to see how i was. grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors.. and i wanted really to be alone. it was after lunch that her parents came over to see how i was. we all cried and cried and her parents said that it wasnt my fault. i wished that i could believe them. what if i was driving? what if we took a different route? what if we didnt run that yellow light before the freeway off ramp? questions of what we could have done different tormented my mind. it should have been me, not her.
the trial was awful. he pleaded innocent and wanted a trial. it wasnt until halfway through that he pleaded guilty. this was his 5th DUI and he was sent to jail for 8 years. the cost of someones life is 8 years. it was like reliving the entire accident over again.
the next few months were among the darkest in my life. i couldnt sleep, eat or love anyone else. i could be still going through it, i dont know. its been almost 10 years ago and this is the first time im writing about it.. hoping maybe to heal myself. i had stuffed all of it into a little box in the back of my head. recently the box had been opened and i cant get it closed.